Why aren’t people signing up to work with me?

I’m in a VERY strange mental headspace.

I’ve been a coach for over 8 years. I plateaued with my 1-to-1 business around $100K for a few years. Last year I decided to invest in scaling my business. I put ALL my eggs into a group program I’ve been running, which is going well in terms of it being a program that helps people, but enrollment has been slower than I anticipated.

Long story short I have gone from zero debt + plenty of money to $50,000 in debt + not much else in my bank account ever. I stopped taking on one-to-one clients to build the group, however, I haven’t been getting the numbers from the group I expected and (in retrospect) should have kept bringing on new 1-to-1 clients.

Now, I’m diving into building up my 1-to-1 clients again. My goal as of 2 weeks ago is to have 10 people enrolled in my 6-month program by the end of this month. I’ve had over 15 complimentary breakthrough sessions and so far just 1 conversion to client. I have a slew of more consults lined up. My conversion rate is normally 25-40%. So this 1/15, whatever that is, is very low.

I realized it’s not likely to do with my coaching (I don’t think), as I’m definitely a good coach. However, I also realized while I want (or, errr….need) the money, I don’t really, truly want the responsibility of all the new 1-to-1 clients, and tons of clients calls all over the place again like I used to. So I’m wanting new clients on the one hand, definitely not wanting them on the other. And I believe this effecting my conversion rate. People aren’t signing on and I’m feeling like, “BRING IT.” I’ll just keep doing consults until I die at this point, because I literally need the money to pay my expenses.

Every time someone isn’t a yes (which is often), along with the disappointment I feel, I feel relief. I’m telling myself, “Well, you’re doing the best you can do. All you can do is keep doing it, the rest is out of your control.” Which is TRUE and normally a really helpful thought for me, BUT, I’m totally conflicted with my desires here! A part of me is like “F u universe, I’m gonna keep doing these consults until I die [insert middle finger],” and a part of me is really enjoying that. It’s like I WANT the story, the drama, the clients saying no, the lack of money for some reason on some level. And I’m resisting some kind of responsibility, I think. I’m simultaneously viewing the whole situation as hilarious and laughing at myself and how bizarre it is. There’s equal parts caring and giving f*cks and equal parts not. I’m really not sure what to do here or where to go from this point! Any thoughts on where to start?