Alone with brain

I struggle with my free time. I have depression and anxiety and free time allows me to be alone with my brain. My brain is a very scary place to be. It will often create pain and self-hatred. I am trying to retrain it, but it has had a lot of years of practice at it. When I am alone with my brain, it scares me. This is also why I don’t do thought downloads. It will often be so scary I’ll get so anxious and be in pain for the rest of the day. It does not feel freeing to get the thoughts out. I feel if I lock the thoughts up then I can be free of the pain. Thought downloads just make me aware of how much I hate myself. I feel like my brain is a very dangerous place to look into. If I open it up, black hate pours out. How do I learn to be alone with my brain?