Alternative thoughts/feelings for “I can’t leave”

I’ve been making an effort to choose love, and I’m starting to realize that it doesn’t mean staying with my husband, as on several occasions he has crossed relationship boundaries with me. The first time was over 4 years ago when after an argument in the car on the way to an ultrasound in the parking lot I told him, “I’m going in alone today and I want a divorce.” I went upstairs and he followed me with our then 1 and a half year old daughter in a baby sling and while I was checking in physically started dragging me out of the office telling the receptionist to cancel the appointment, I didn’t need to see the baby and he wasn’t paying for it because “she said she’s leaving me.” I tried to get away and he shoved me toward the elevator. I wound up running into the back of the midwife office. She sat down to mediate and I said I hadn’t meant it, I was mad and downplayed what happened, but I was scared. There have been several incidences when I’ve said I wanted to leave and things have gotten verbal and physical. He says he doesn’t have to be nice to me if I decide to leave and all bets are off. Our life is peaceful as long as I don’t say anything about that or say anything about leaving and pretend to want to be here with him and eventually work things out, even though I loved myself enough to make a boundary of no longer sharing a bed last year. I keep thinking of a call a couple weeks ago with a woman having a lot of improvements in her life, but not leaving a partner that wasn’t treating her and her daughter the way she wanted and you telling her she wasn’t ready to leave and I think that’s me. Leaving probably entails getting protection to leave the house and permission to take the kids with me and having lots of money saved for a divorce and living expenses as he’s the one with control of the money. I’ve given up hope of amicably saying I want to split, as I fear violence and I also doubt my ability to take care of three kids on my own, but maybe just because he’s told me over and over agin that I’m incapable of doing so and I’ve believed him. I’ve really tried to convince myself I still married the right person and that I can let the intimidation and rare bruises go since he wouldn’t do it if I was just happy with him, but I don’t want to choose to be happy about that. Or what he did, or that I don’t feel safe and free to leave. But I don’t feel strong enough to take the steps, so what can I do to be at peace with myself in the meantime?