Changing the past about my mother

Hi Brooke! I have been a long time podcast listener and joined scholars this month. I am working on changing the past in regards to the story I tell myself about my mother. I am able to do this with big things, for example, my mother didn’t speak to me for 2 years after my wedding because she felt I was mean to her.

C: my mother didn’t speak to me for two years after my wedding
T: my mother is damaged. She was emotionally abused growing up and never learned any coping strategies. This is the only way she knows how to love. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t love me
Feeling: calm. Ok.
Action: I don’t complain about her to friends/husband
Result: I feel ok. Don’t feel sorry for myself.

My issue is the little things that pop up regarding her. For example, she calls my in laws and invites herself to their summer house and doesn’t even consult me/call me (I find out from my sister in law). My brother in law died recently and she calls and checks in on my in laws but never calls me or offers support to me. There are a ton of examples that pop up like these.

I heard you mention on a call that you can’t put something in the C line that you think is “bad.” My struggle is how do I work on feeling neutral about these things? How can I model these events so that I no longer feel anger/frustration/resentment?

Thanks so much!