Cycle like a bodybuilder

I have decided to cycle gaining muscle and loosing as a bodybuilder.
I am gaining weight at the moment and getting afraid of me at my highest weight.
Don’t want my brain to tell me I am a failure , or that I am lame or that I should be ashamed.
I know how to lose weight because I have done it from January to May. I am proud of it. And I am also proud of the muscle i have gained since.

Thank you