Depressing thoughts

Through this work I’ve realized I’m running negative and depressing thought loops which is leading me to feelings of depression and feeling stuck. I’m not 50/ 50 anymore, I’m more like 90/10 now. I run models a lot and have tried the laddering to more positive/hopeful thoughts but I keep looping back to the depressing/ hopeless thoughts. I don’t want to believe them but my brain is so committed. I haven’t always been this way, I used to know how to have fun, I used to feel lighter and happier…. I don’t want to take medication, I never have and that scares me, I want to figure this out on my own but I feel so stuck in my depressing thoughts right now. I want to feel excited, motivated and hopeful… Where do I go from here?