Family guilt that is just so hard to shake!

Hi there! I am just loving being a scholar, started this month (August) and am thrilled to have a program to follow that really puts everything in practice that I have tried to self apply for so many years, mostly following the teachings of Abraham.

Anyway – …. after 10 weeks of summer holidays (kids off school) it is clear to me that still one main area for me is guilt for focusing on myself (mostly in the area of business) when the kids are around – and…. in a massive way, when I am with my mom. We moved location for the second time earlier this year and visited back home for 5 weeks in July/Aug, something I booked earlier in the year again more out of guilt from moving away than want perhaps. The odd thing is that we moved home 6 years ago to be closer to my parents/family so that my mom could be closer to her grandkids and ironically we spent less time together there 1 hr away by car than we had done with a long flight. And, it was always me organizing any visits which I became very resentful about. My mom, I feel, has a way of making me feel guilty, she doesn’t say as much but has a lot of emotional childhood going on and for some reason from the age of about 8 I seemed to take her on as my responsibility to make her feel happy. As I write this I know how ridiculous it all is, that I am not responsible for how she feels etc etc. I guess what I am fearful of is changing and seeming like I don’t love her (of course I do) and then one day she dies and I feel so sad. So… this all comes down to managing my own feelings in the end doesn’t it?

I suppose I have to take responsibility for making myself happy instead of finding happiness in making her/others happy? (Emotional childhood of my own). Still a big change to make around someone so significant.

The next piece is that I think I am probably shifting the way I have always felt around her now to around my children. And my husband. I always feel like I should be the “available one” but have taken this to an extreme in almost feeling I have to be available 100% of the time when my kids are off school and which makes it very hard to focus on work.

Before school finished I had picked up a great momentum with my business, leading in my team, stepping outside of my comfort zone and really gaining momentum. Mid June came and I have literally stopped. Between 5 weeks away (where I literally had full on anxiety) and the remaining 5 weeks back here I have simply not done what I’ve wanted to, workwise. And yet I feel in my heart that it is the most necessary thing in my life – something totally for me. My husband, on the other hand, has absolutely no qualms about making his work an absolute priority. It just is. And because he has been the main earner – and earns very well – that somehow has been acceptable for both of us. I wish I could absolutely do what feels right for myself for one full year so that I’d get over the fear of the next holiday etc (I’m already worrying about next year and how the summer will be, whether I feel bad for cutting short our visit back to see family or feel bad giving up time on my work (worse option for me!) As you can see I am stuck spinning on this. How do I do what makes me feel good when all my life I have put others’ needs ahead of mine. How do I perfectly combine both, especially with the logistics of living far from family, kids and grandkids to spend time together etc.