Fascinated by my unconscious brain

I used to think I had a lot of self-awareness. The more I’ve been doing thought work though the more I’m really noticing that sometimes I have some very strong feelings. They seem to be immediately caused by the circumstance. I know they’re caused by thoughts and yet I have NO idea what the thought is!

This is crazy for me to realize. Even when I look for the thought, I can’t find it! Nothing seems to click! Does this just mean that the thought is so unconscious that I don’t even know what it is?! I’m blown away by this, because I truly thought I was a self-aware person.

For example, I recently saw that my childhood best friend who I had a falling out with is now a successful coach. I IMMEDIATELY felt jealous, like I wasn’t enough, and just this PULL or URGE or anger kind of feeling. And I really don’t know what the specific thought is that causes the feeling!

It makes logical sense it could be “I want to be doing that” or “That’s not fair!” or “Why am I not pursuing my own dreams,” but really none of those seem to be it. I kind of have thoughts like “I hate her” that feels the most accurate, but what the hell is that!? What a strange thing to think!

It feels like I want to knock her down off her podium and take my rightful place, because I’m better than her and she should know it. WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?! That makes NO sense! Is this just like a childlike thought that has been running in the background? It’s like, I almost feel defensive, or territorial, or like something has been taken from me.

Sorry, this is so wordy, but it is blowing my mind a bit at how much this doesn’t make any logical sense. It does feel like I want to push her out of my way. What is that feeling called?

I just feel like I’m better than her, and the fact that she’s getting success makes me livid. It’s like I want to tell her to sit down and shut up. It also definitely feels like a competition. What on earth is going on here??