Feeling stuck

Why am i on this hamster wheel?
I find myself loving the planning, organizing, and meal prepping that goes into my protocol. I watch the overeaters videos, write in the workbook and just feel oh so good about myself through it all. Like wow look at me go, ive got this!

Then morning comes…
Im not excited at all.

The very first curcumstance that interrupts my “plan for the day” set me in crazy town and i can convince myself in one second to just eat the bread, have the cookie. And then all the lies rush in…”why do i have to be so rigid?” “Whats wrong with a little sugar and flour” “i just need to stop obsessing over my weight and enjoy life.”

Keep in mind, i dont want any of the above. I want to lose weight. I hate how sugar and flour make me feel. And im going to obsess over my weight whether im consuming sugar or flour or not. I have a compelling why. (My no matter what) i dont think it could get much more compelling which makes me think is there something wrong with me? Am i just numb?

When i try to do a model i just stare at the blank page. I feel so all over the place.

Any suggestions?