Going through it

So I’m REALLY going through it right now. I am almost at diamond level here in Scholars and I’m extremely aware of my emotions and what they mean but I’m feeling really apathetic about everything in my life right now. I suffer from depression and know when I need to up my meds which I did yesterday. I also know that the work in SCS keeps me on the level as well.

I made a decision two days ago to have a conversation with my boss about taking a day away a week. I was confident in my decision to do this as my books aren’t full and frankly do not want to work 5 days a week behind the chair as a hairstylist. It’s a lot of work and I want to fill 4 days instead of 5. She said no although the conversation was great. She couldn’t give me Tuesdays off because another stylist already has that day off. I am also indulging in emotional childhood as well right now. It’s like I’m extremely aware of myself which makes it worse!! It’s like I know why I am the way I am and don’t want to do anything about it. Ugh!

As per the conversation with my boss I felt like I wasn’t heard nor did I feel like I had my own back when I said to myself beforehand that I would not take no for an answer regarding taking Tuesdays off. I told her what I would do to add value to her business but until I am booked more solidly, I am not able to. Plus I didn’t have a solid plan as to how I would market myself…my bad. I also have trouble making decisions meaning I can’t decide what to specialize in. Even when I was little, I could never make a decision and have my own back.

Ugh, feeling extremely unconfident which is what my primal brain likes so I’m staying there for now even though it’s uncomfortable. I’m comfortable being uncomfortable I guess you could say. Need some help getting out of the weeds. Oh and since I can remember, I hate being told what to do which of course comes from childhood, and is part of who I am. I am bossy but have never had the balls or courage or belief in myself to be my own boss.