Happiness and The Spouse

I have read/watched a lot of your material and have switched my mindset concerning happiness. I understand my happiness does not depend on what my wife says or does. And that I should love her for who she is and not what she does or say. So, my question is, are we not what we say and what we do? When we were first dating, our spouses said stuff and did stuff that shaped our picture/image of them. Those actions were the reasons we liked and then loved them. Thanks and I love your material.