Happy as I am – or deluding myself?

Dear Brooke

I have done a heap of work on my thinking over the last nine months. I weight 10 kgs more now than I did when I first started SCS. But I have worked hard on myself around not feeling bad about this. I have struggled with my weight all my life – but I think what I mean by that is I have struggled with my THINKING about my weight. Recently I saw some photos of myself at a time in my life when I thought I was massive, and I see them now and think “I looked FINE.” I told my partner this and he said, yup, we always told you that but you never listened. So, while gaining weight this last year, I have looked at my thinking about my weight and I think I have realised I just don’t want to worry about how I look any more. I want, more than any number on any scale, to be free from the belief I have been taught all my life by the world that how you look matters. I just want to be free of this.

i asked a question some months back about whether you thought this was a cop out and you told me it kind of was. And I haven’t been able to shake the feeling that I’m still failing because I’m not thin and beautiful. Being beautiful seems to be something that is valued. I don’t understand this and I don’t want to hold onto that belief. But like I say, I can’t shake the feeling that i am “giving in” rather than moving on.

I also have a sense that I may, in posting this question, be asking for your approval to continue with my new beliefs as they are. If you think that’s the case, don’t answer!! I am trying hard to dissolve all my unhelpful beliefs, and I guess the need for approval is one of those! Does it help (or matter?) to say that I am not overweight really – maybe a few pounds – and that I am generally physically healthy and managing everything i need to manage? Only I am not skinny, and my “old” head tells me that the skinnier I am, the better I am. I think I have also got quite confused by the answers you have given re. goal weight, and how low it seems to have been for some people. Is this about achieving any result you want, rather than encouraging an ideal that the thinner one is the more successful?

Ps Love Behind The Scenes for October! You looked so beautiful in your “before “shots!! I spent my whole drive to work this morning wondering why people so badly wanted to see your “before shots”. I wonder why?