Hate these negative feelings

Don’t understand all this mind work. So confused. Been doing this work and understanding the concepts but this is really kicking my butt. Not exactly sure where all this anger, frustration and resentment that is often inside me is coming from and not sure what the lesson is on all this. I been having horrible arguments with my husband and sometimes in front of our kids. After all that I am learning and practicing I SCS why for the life of me does it go all down hill when certain things he says triggers the awful things that I say and do towards him, myself and our girls. I hate so many things about how I deal with anger and stress and it’s deeply affecting my mental health and family life. Why does it seem easier for others to respond calmly and have better self control instead of reacting by yelling and cursing at your loved ones. My husband is the one person in my life that can bring out the worst in me because of my thoughts about it. No one should have power over me, but somehow he does. I just don’t know how to gain control over this. I’ve tried so hard not believe and internalize the hurtful things he says that causes so much pain inside of me. I realize that I am the one that’s causing me pain and no one else has that power over me. I can’t seem to figure any of this thought work out. I can explain the model and concepts well to others, but it all goes out the window the moment my husband is in my presence criticizing, commenting, critiquing or blaming me for something. Loving him with compassion and acceptance is by far the biggest challenge I’ve had to deal with. Feel like I’ve reached my breaking point and am completely losing all my self worth and confidence in my mental health and abilities. Just want to give up on all that I’ve learned from your program and others and deal with my negative thoughts and feelings. So painfully hurt and depleted.