Husband struggle

I’ve been through this loop before.
I know it is my thoughts but I struggle, at least this past week.

He and I made a commitment we’d come out better from this Covid than we went in.

I have.

He hasn’t.

His second business has been slower and he hasn’t even tried to recreate the revenue lost. I have given him ideas which he got excited about and then they fizzled.

This second business is important because the revenue pays off debt he came into the marriage with and 3 years ago I put my foot down and said –
“Get the damn thing paid off”. And unless I remind him every month to pay money down he won’t.

I should not be that surprised because he has always been this way …. says he will do things and doesn’t. I put up with it in the past because it didn’t really impact me and I had thought that he would step into the guy that I had always seen – capable, creative.

What a fool I was.

Now I can’t stop nagging him and just generally being pissed off. Which doesn’t make me feel any good.

And it isn’t changing a damn thing.

On my side I’m busting my ass and doing hard things and it is working – for my business, my body, my mind. The added bit is I am in coach certification and so the growth is happening faster.

I feel like he is going to be left behind. And I am going to have a shell of the guy I so lusted after a mere 10 years ago.

I am sad, and feel like a fool that I even agreed to marry him. We have 2 kids – twins.

I’ve already decided I am not going to leave. I am seeing this as an opportunity to be okay with “that maybe he will be left behind”.

There is also a “wielding of power” issue here.
I know I’m incredibly powerful, but I’m seeing that how I world my power with him is really against me.

What I want is to live a great life – despite or in spite of my fear of him being left behind. I want to tap into this power I am feeling and weild it well.

But I also want to keep him to the agreements (like his debt – there is $13 k remaining for him to pay off.)

I haven’t rushed into models because I wanted to feel this, and notice any indulgence. There certainly is some.

Ive been playing with “he is capable and creative” as a thought. And I feel hope. I then wrote down all the things he does that are capable and creative. The result is me feeling a little more calm.

I’m still bummed I have to remind him to pay his debt. But I guess I can think of that one differently too. I care more about his debt getting paid off than he does, we have talked about that. I know my models have to be about me, so I could make his bills a line item when I do our finances and reconcile our accounts and leave it at that.

Still … I wish… he would just step up.