I feel awful


I did a couple pages of thought downloads today because I was just feeling so shitty… down and out, sad, etc., like I just totally wanted to shut down and hide.

Some of the thoughts that really stuck out for me are, “What’s wrong with me?”, “There’s something wrong with me”, “I don’t know (fill in the blank… how to take care of myself, run my business, how to structure my day, what to do, how to take care of myself, etc), “I’m a mess”, “I’m a terrible person”, “I’m doing this to myself, “I’m a disaster”, and “I’m not doing enough”.

It makes sense why I feel so awful!

I wanted to fill out models for some of these thoughts and, side note, I keep thinking that I can fill out my whole Model Practice book in one sitting. I joined SCS just about two weeks ago and not filling out the book yet is adding to me not feeling good about myself. Anyways, I completed 3 models and will add them below.

I am seeking help with what to put in the circumstance and result line. I would also like general feedback about my models and what I could do to improve the way I use the model. Also, is it totally normal for the models to take a long time to fill out? I think that makes sense since I am just learning the technique.

C – Feeling emotional today? General life stuff? Today?
T – What’s wrong with me?
F – Mad (at self)
A – judge/shame/beat self up, stress myself out, focus on negative, find things wrong with me, dwell in past, worry about future, short temper with myself, don’t care for myself, don’t look at positive, don’t try to help myself, avoid my work, get overwhelmed, don’t think about helping others
R – don’t move forward or try to help myself, I stay stuck, find more things that are wrong with me?

C – Thoughts in my head? Today? How I spent my day? How I’m feeling today?
T – There’s something wrong with me
(this created 2 separate feelings so I completed a model for both).

F #1 – Ashamed
A #1 – start to shut down, want to hid, feel tired/think about how tired I am, avoid others, don’t try to help others, don’t care for myself, don’t get work done, think about what’s wrong with me for long periods of time, want to lay down, try to sit and just feel, cry, be mean to myself, don’t clean my house or help myself
R #1 – continue thinking there is something wrong with me and/or keep creating evidence that there is something wrong with me, don’t care for myself, don’t clean my house, don’t progress in business

F #2 – Discouraged
A #2 – avoid doing the work (filling out models), avoid my business, give up, don’t try, blame others and my situation, don’t take self-responsibility, don’t try something new, shut down, hide, numb out, get sleepy, want to go lay down/nap, drink (more so in past), but still feel urge to drink now, want to or do watch tv shows
R #2 – I don’t get anything done (which is actually isn’t true), I continue to feel this way and don’t help myself

And another thing I would like help with is, what do I do now? I see how I am creating my reality and how I am doing this to myself and it’s very hard to not judge and shame myself. I want to continue filling in more models, but really seeing this makes me feel like totally shutting down, hiding and crying. I just feel really down and out. As I was writing this I did begin to cry and that’s fine with me, but I find it hard to be productive when I feel this way. I have felt trapped by myself and my mind for a long time, so that adds to my frustration when I have these really hard days (it is another thought I noted earlier, “I am trapped”/”I trap myself”). I think I add even more judgment/shame onto my situation because I am a coach (not LCS) and I feel like I “shouldn’t” be struggling so much with all of this still. What advice or suggestions do you have? Any coaching appreciated.