My indulgent feeling use to be a useful feeling.

Hey there, Brooke!
Doing the work this morning, I was reviewing how in the past when I’ve been sick, I have tended to eat a lot of bread and sugar. I’ve found the thoughts beneath those. As I was writing about that, I recognized a feeling that I’ve had before that has been sneakily sabotaging my protocol. I don’t know what you might call them, it feels like a secondary thought. In session I’ve called them “riders” because it reminds me of when they write laws and someone will slip in a rider (extra writing) that has nothing to do with the original bill, and it gets passed because the original law is so important. So, thinking about eating bread and sugar when I’m sick, I recognized this rider thought that “I enjoy breaking the rules.”
This second thought seems to be from when I was younger, learning that I didn’t believe or want to follow the rules that the church or my parents made. I recognized then that the rules were not conducive to my life, and at the time “breaking the rules” was how I started to become a healthier human being. I recognize that I still have that mindset, that somehow protocol= rules, and breaking rules is how I survive.
The feeling that comes with it is a bit of defiance and rebelliousness. I’m going to do some more thought downloads on this, but thought it was so interesting that I didn’t recognize this feeling before.

Thank you for being here for me to learn from. I’m not sure I ever wold have seen this, without the commitment to doing the homework every morning.