Loving before walking away

Wow. Trying to find ways to love your husband before deciding to leave because I want to and not because I no longer feel love towards him is by far one of the most challenging areas of my life. He is the biggest challenge and toughest PET “personal emotional trainer” I’ve ever had to deal with in my life. He is the main reason why I joined SCS since November. He also holds this against me each time I pay the monthly fee. There is not one concept or idea that I have learned, explained and shared with him from SCS that he is willing to be open to understanding. I never tell him or expect him to follow, do or accept any thing I’ve learned about myself during this process from SCS. He continues to remind me that he sees no positive changes in me or in our relationship. After doing models about him, writing a list of 100 ways I’m grateful, letting go of my manual for him and any expectations of him I don’t know how much more of this I could take. Finding ways to love or like him is such a challenge for me . I want so desperately to want to make this marriage work by changing my thoughts, feelings and actions towards him. I’m losing hope in myself to be able to reach that point where I feel love and accept things about him unconditionally. As I sit here crying after another horrible argument with my husband, I am completely shattered, disheartened and discouraged in my ability to change my thoughts and feelings knowing that I am the only one that needs to change in order to save our marriage. He will never have to change or do anything diffefent and that’s ok. It is 100 percent my responsibility to own my feelings and change what I choose to think about him. How do I lift myself up each time I am emotionally and verbally knocked down by my thoughts from the negative words he says to me on a regular basis? I have lost all faith and hope in myself that I will ever change my thinking towards my husband.