Making things harder & complicated & a struggle

I know this is a pattern I engage in when creating anything. I know a part of me believes I’m not good enough “as is” but will be if I work “hard enough” at it – and the way to prove I’m doing that is by overcomplicating, struggling. But I know that’s a lie and I do not want to believe it going forward. My future self definitely does not believe that. Her creativity just flows like water – she doesn’t overthink or over judge or overcomplicate or make herself unworthy if things require more work.

I’ve been thinking about that aligned model and then here is where I find myself today:

I start the day very excited about making today’s creativity (writing + recording my podcast – and getting it done early- as being proactive and ahead of the game is something my future self does really well) come from a mindset that is consistent with my future self:
T: I love working on this, it’s a great process (but because I know I can use loving the process as a way to procrastinate and just do a lot of fun “winding up/warming up” but not actually completing….I then added:)
T: I love completing podcasts.

I know I will finish these – I have been without fail – I just want the process I engage in to get there to be kinder to myself. I want the feelings to be clarity, focus, authority, creative flow, strength, courage, joy.

But here is my unintentional model that I keep looping back to – and it shows up in all areas of my work- creative and business:

C: podcast
T: this is going to be so long and so hard and so complicated
F: tired, dread (even shame and self-loathing that I complicate things)
A: avoid, inaction, LOTS of “thinking about” and “working on,” working up to it
R: it’s long, hard, and complicated. I wear myself out with just all the thinking/mental/emotional drama.

I’ve tried giving myself 60 and 90 minutes. Part of the time to just write it, write notes, part of the time to record it. The first time it took me 7 days to do the first episode – and then I still had to redo it once I submitted. The next few times I got it down to 3 days, and then 1 day, 1 day – but I still spend way too much time narrowing down the topic. I *think* i have my topic narrowed down but then I start to think about it and realize I need to narrow it down again and again.

So, right now I believe SOME PEOPLE out there can do it in an hour. Again, I’ve tried that and so far failed. Do I look at this as practice? Do I give myself 50 podcasts before I’m able to relax and not dread it, be so hard on myself, and maybe get my efficiency better dialed in?

Thank you!