Manuel – Boundary

Hi Brooke,

So I asked my mom to stay with my daughter while I was away for five days. She was coming home from college and I didn’t want her to be alone and thought it would be nice for them to spend some quality time together. My mom agreed. I flew her in and bought her a plane ticket to make it more convenient because I was worried I was asking too much of her. Anyway, I’m away now and texted my daughter and it turns out that she invited my sister and her four-year old to spend the night for the entire time. I love my sister and my niece but feel annoyed. They are sleeping my son’s room because he is at camp for a few days, but it wasn’t cleaned or ready for any guests to stay there. They are also using our master bedroom as a “play room” for her daughter.

My thought was that my mom crossed a boundary since it was my house and had no right to invite others to stay. I like my privacy and did not want guests over, and even if I had invited them over, I would not be allowing them to use our master bedroom or even my son’s room. Even my daughter is annoyed because she was looking forward to spending some time alone with my mom and also to have a quiet few days, but now she feels like she is babysitting my niece and also stuck with a house full of relatives.

I didn’t explicitly tell my mom that she couldn’t invite people over the stay, but I feel like a boundary has been crossed. Obviously it hasn’t since she didn’t know, but I am still angry. I don’t know what my intentional model should be because I’m not sure I want to be okay with what she did. In the future, I’d prefer her to ask.

At the same time, I also feel guilty for having such feelings. I mean, they are family and I love them. I think my mom would be shocked if I told her it bothered me and that I was being selfish and rigid.

Can you help me with an intentional model?

C: Mom invited sister over to spend four nights at my house
T: She’s inconsiderate and didn’t think about how I might react
F: Disrespected; angry
A: Text her that I’m mad at her
R: ?? We fight and don’t think the other is considerate

C: Mom invited sister over to spend four nights at my house
T: I need to explain to her that she crossed a boundary
F: In control
A: Explain to her my point of view
R: Mom knows what my boundaries are

I think my models need some work. Also, my intentional model still causes me to feel badly because I worry about how my family will react. I want them to understand my boundaries but I also don’t want them to think that I’m selfish and rigid. I know that I can’t control what others think but I guess I need another model about this secondary, related thought?