November $$ Worth – AMD

So amazing how I go through the work, doing my homework, keeping up the best I can, thinking… “I wonder if this will be the month when things are ‘meh’?” I mean really, can I really get my mind blown every single month? Seems too much to expect from any practice.

Noticing thoughts, writing down sentences in my mind every day, starting to have space around sentences during my normal day, not when I’m doing downloads…. Yesterday morning… so many cringe-worthy thoughts interrupting while I’m making the bed.

“Damn!” I thought. “These are annoying.”

I went and got my CTFAR pad – “Might as well use it, no sense keeping it as a museum piece.”

Put the pad on my dresser, every sentence that came up I wrote down on a T line, flipped the page and when the next one came I wrote it down , flipped the page. I thought I could model them later.

After about 5 pages, the thoughts stopped. Unexpected relief.

Came home from work… more thought loops. Got the pad, did a bunch, thoughts stopped. Whew. Feeling better.
So today, I dragged them out to look at them from the perspective of a new day.

People disapprove of me
I’m a worried person
I’m going to be in trouble
I’m being pushed into a closet at work
My husband must be disgusted at all the time I’m spending in self absorption
I’m not a good wife
I feel bad for him, marrying a waste like me
I’m in over my head at work
I keep making mistakes
I’m going to get fired

Reading these back this morning… I’m so saddened and amazed. Who is this woman who thinks these things? None of that is helpful at all. NO WONDER I BUFFER. Who wouldn’t? No Wonder I fight battles with myself just to get out of bed. Of COURSE I don’t want to get up and start a day… Look who I can look forward to hanging out with!

I was looking at these as if it happened to another person and I felt such overwhelming compassion… FOR MYSELF. I want to give myself a big hug and them help me get rid of those silly thoughts. Totally new experience.

BOOM. Got what I paid for…. AGAIN.

You have designed some freakin’ amazing practices. You go Brooke! I’m gonna go clean out my brain.