Partner Compatibility, manuals, 50/50

Hello there, I keep having thoughts of my current relationship being incompatible. It causes muddled feelings and my focus and thinking haven’t been clear lately. I don’t want to rush anything.

We are now living together. We dated for several months and I put a stop to it, knowing it would be hard on him and it was hard on me. He is just SO different. He is older, quirky, but I knew he loved and adored me and I succumbed. I wasn’t 100%, but he kept doing nice things for me. He spoiled me with unwanted gifts and with dinners out, cooking me dinner, especially since I was so excited to begin working at a possible career change. He seemed to support it. It always bothered me that he seemed a mystery to me. I would ask him many questions, but he kept saying he was him, he was simple and he wasn’t thinking anything.

After being apart for a few months, I learned his brother was dying and it would be quick. When I saw him and saw his emotions on his brother and with me, I felt a connection. We started dating. He would come over to my place and stay, and we began to look for a house together and put his place on the market. I looked at his good points. He was solid financially, I believed he wouldn’t cheat, he seemed like a happy person, he loved his boys and was good with my family. My family was disappointed when we had split up. They thought he was good for me (that was also important to me). I ignored concern and fear in the back of my brain, as I am sure he probably did as well. It was an exciting ride for both of us, buying a nice home and furnishing it.

It didn’t last long. His lack of communication, talking, and being open with me was difficult. I wondered about his attraction and feelings. Covid hit too. I asked many times about his feelings and why he never made any advancements towards me. We both gained around 50 pounds. Eating, drinking and reading. I tried to get control over it on my own, because I was miserable. He seemed bent on sabotaging my efforts. I always tried to see the positive. To remind myself of what a good honorable man he was. Things were strained…no maybe not, they just were nothing. We had no more future talks about a wedding, no talks about anything to do with the future, actually no connecting communication. We were polite, like room mates and give the kiss hello and good bye. We spoke of weather, jobs, kids and dog. I really wanted us to connect, not just sexually, but as an intimate connected relationship. I decided to try to fight for it and try to get him to talk to no avail.

I finally decided to incorporate some models for myself and my mind. I decided what I wanted. I wanted to be happy regardless of the situation, to lose weight and to awaken the dreams I let fall away throughout the course of our relationship. The short of it is that in five months I have lost 55lbs, I am learning to manage my own mind, I have stopped pressuring him, yet three opportunities were provided to discuss “us.” I decided to tell him how I was feeling and that I was trying to manage my own mind and be happy. I let him know I questioned our compatibility and I was sad and confused and hurt. He hasn’t seemed happy. Through talking he admitted that he has felt insecure, intimidated and has people pleased. I didn’t react badly. I told him I appreciated his truth. He said he loved me and wanted it to work.

The three conversations happened within two weeks of each other, about two weeks ago. I am scared. Nothing has changed. I haven’t done much, because I have been unsure of our compatibility. I love and miss living by myself sometimes. Selfish? Maybe. But I love and care for him. But there basically hasn’t been anymore discussion, no sex, and we are back in routine. Since we have gotten together I opened up a now terribly failing shop. I make no money. He pays most the household bills and I cover my vehicle and phone, etc. Part of me thinks it could still work…but I have always been that way. Most people would think that I am a gentle, positive, kind, beautiful person. But I was dying inside. I was depressed and oppressed.

The last six months have been so positive and I share what I can with him. He thinks the change in me is amazing and a significant change, yet it changed nothing. No actions, no communications, no compliments, maybe sex once or twice a month if I highly encouraged it. No first moves. I don’t believe in being stuck. It terrifies me actually. I have always been a survivor. It’s like the world wants to pull me back into survivor mode and not allow me to thrive (sounds silly).

I don’t think I should make any decisions yet. But I don’t know when/how to. I couldn’t accept an engagement at this point, not that it is being offered. I want to stay real and honest and authentic. I love the essence of me and don’t want to lose it. I love my dreams. I have hopes for an amazing future. Part of that is to have a close intimate personal relationship. Sometimes deep down in the quiet I think I want to be on my own (maybe too much work?) and sometimes I secretly hope he will see that I am worth the risk of self growth and change. I do believe we compliment each other some ways. But if he was people pleasing (as was I) how do we know?

So there is a muddled bunch of thoughts. I do sense fear. Fear of losing him, fear of losing myself again after reviving her, fear of making the wrong decision, concern of possibly hurting him more than he is or me more than I am. I am trying not to be confused. But I just dumped it here in hopes to get a different perspective. I keep pushing away thoughts of us, so I can focus on my work and business. I really struggle with models in this relationship. Other areas seems much easier, at least that is what my brain tells me. I know you don’t leave until you’re happy, I understand life is 50/50 in or out of a relationship, I understand if I leave I will be in a pickle financially. I know we both deserve to be happy. I know we are both good people. That is all I can see today anyways. If he was ill, I would want to be there for him, but sometimes I think I love and care for him as a respectful friend.  Good luck with this one. *sigh