I will share you my biggest trauma.

8 years ago I had a « love at the first glance » with a guy I met at the beach during a travel abroad.

We had an adventure for a few months, taking planes to met in our own countries a few times a month.

I felt so passionate and loved him so intensely. Like a powerful and non-stopping attraction. It was him, and nothing else mattered.

During my last visit I felt so sad because I was anticipating the fact I should come back home on Sunday evening. He told me that he would break up because he didn’t want a sad story.

I remember our separation in the hotel. It was the saddest time of my life. I felt so alone and miserable and hopeless when he went to his job and I stayed alone in the room before going to the airport, and knowing that I would never see him again.

When I came home, he decided to stop our relationship (saying that I was not really his girlfriend because I wasn’t living in the same country than him). So we  broke up on Skype. It was the second saddest moment of my life.

This story stayed on my head during a long time, like an impossible love and many questions are still here: what should I have done differently? What if I quit my job to join him (that wasn’t possible because he moved a few weeks later in another country I didn’t want to live)?

This story is still in my head now, 8 years later, like the biggest regret of my life. Like if he was the love of my life and our relationship was impossible. Like the only time of my life that I felt so in love with somebody and so living.

Now I am married and I have 2 kids and when this story come back in my head I felt so guilty and shamed.

Like if I was here but sometimes I would like to be with him. I know it is sad and shame. Even the fact to write this story here is making me so shamed and guilty, like an infidelity, because if my husband will know that he would be so sad.

In another hand I am aware that this story is created by my brain, that I am the only one who is responsible to my happiness, and that maybe this « love at the first glance » is not real love and maybe not speaking about him but about myself.

I know that but I don’t believe it because these past emotions were so intense that I believe them like the proof of real love.

I would like to be in peace today, and be fully happy in my marriage without having these regrets.

Thanks a lot in advance for your answer!