Relapse and fear

Dear Brooke,
It is my first month in Scholars and ofcourse I love it. I joined because I have always battled with over-eating/emotional eating, although likely the outside world wouldn’t know it. I’m Petite, 5’1, and started the program weighing 122 pounds. I had a great start and I gave up sugar and flower for 3 weeks and felt great, not only physically, but emotionally. I felt good about the fact that I was in control and had made a decision and a plan and was carrying it out. In those first weeks I dropped to 116 which was great. I don’t want to focus on the numbers here ( although they are important). I am realizing is two things and struggling a bit to regain the resolve I had to begin with.

1- I realized that I was so comfortable with my pattern/ habit of overeating late at night/at the end of the day and I would feel terrible, but It was such a familiar feeling of disappointment and shame that it was more comfortable to sit with then my true feelings of boredom and maybe loneliness. I found that interesting and sad at the same time.

2- I hear you saying, and I believe that it is true, that I could work towards not really having much desire for food. If I am honest, that appeals to me like 30% and scares me 70%. I think about all the empty space that will remain if I abandon this routine of the end of the day of preparing food, watching TV, drinking a glass of Wine and sitting and getting up for seconds and thirds….etc.

I know there is more, and my question and my search is how to face the fear of the void of this routine and to cultivate more of what I could be and have. The idea of not having foo, and what to eat, and how much not be at the forefront of my mind sounds so liberating and freeing.