I have found the work this month to be really important for me. I have managed to rewrite my stories about some parts of my past that have always caused me a lot of pain and, what’s more exciting to me, I’ve found some ways to rewrite the story of my recent past (eg what happened yesterday or last week) in better ways.

I have a question about something a little different and that’s come up as I’ve been writing about this.

I have noticed that I often feel a lot of resistance to what’s currently in my life. I often find myself thinking “I don’t want to do that”, “I don’t want to face that”, “I don’t want to go to that”. I know that’s a choice I’m making and I’ve been experimenting with different language such as “I’m choosing to do this/ I’m not choosing to do this” to give myself more agency. But I’m also wondering if there’s some truth underneath this and that in fact a lot of what I do is not coming from a place of who I really want to be and what I truly want to accomplish in my life.

This month I have realised that a lot of my stories are about what I “should” be doing and what life “should” look like which seems to play into this resistance. I would like to work out whether I’m forcing myself to do things that I think I “should do” for a life that looks like the one I “should have” and are not actions that are coming from a place of real truth for me. Or whether the “I don’t want to …” is just a mental pattern and a behaviour that I need to manage better. I wrote a manifesto for myself in June (which was surprisingly powerful) but this seems quite high level doesn’t seem to help on the level of day to day – what do I actually DO to get to be the person I want to BE. How can I investigate this further?