Shame and Forgiving myself (ab)

I have a situation I would like some input on. I am a manager and I said something mean and bitchy to an employee/friend. I know it is my thoughts about her and her work as the reason I said them. But it was not the way I should have handled my frustration. I said them a day ago and then have felt guilty and in shame and angry at myself since. I have rehashed the situation many times and can’t let it go. I don’t see her again for two more days so I feel like this will go on until then. I typically do this with many situations but this time, because I know I can can control it by my thinking, I’m in the moment of being double mad at myself for not being able to work through this. This wasn’t the first time I said mean words to her but maybe the first time I took it to a more noticeable level. (As a side note, I’m usually overly nice to everyone because I want everyone to like me so I guess with my people pleasing tendencies I feel worse as if I just gave someone a reason to hate me)

C – I said words.
T – They were mean/bitchy words.
F – Terrible, guilty, sorry, shame, anger
A – Constantly replay the situation over and over
R – Making myself physically ill and worrying about how I should handle it.

I have many thoughts on this of course. Should I apologize? Did she think I was mean/bitchy? Maybe she didn’t even notice? (I don’t really believe she couldn’t not notice) I will feel better if I apologize or will I or will she? What if she quits and hates me forever? It would be all my fault. I said these words in front of other staff/friends so they might hate me too.

I realized through this work that I needed to understand why I get angry and say mean things particularly around her. It is my expectations of her job so that is a manual I have set for her I guess and then it is me not managing well that causes me to go right to saying mean words.

I also keep playing my apology to her over and over in my mind and that is also making me anxious and upset. I am nervous about doing it, even if I should do it and what will happen next if I do or don’t. I feel I need to get to a place that I can just forgive myself for being someone who just says mean things and someone who might not always good at managing people sometimes. That seems like a far away place.