So many things I want to be

I am struggling with the idea of who I am. I like who I am, but I really want to be someone who writes and reflects and is calm and relaxed. I feel like that is who I am deep down, but there is so much anxiety and performance that overrides this.

C: Me being a human
T: I wish I was at ease and felt safe just reflecting
F: Desire
A: ……I dont do those things….because of the below model

C: Desire to write and reflect and be at ease
T: That sounds exhausting
F: Resistant
A: Dont write or journal or relax
R: Feel like something is missing

The exhausting part is that I would have to feel lots of yucky feelings and I already feel like I have enough emotions

HELP! This is a mess!