T: I need to suffer for it to be “fair”

I have noticed this thought: when I am successful, other people suffer. I have a thought that if I “suffer” to get to success, then it makes it “fair”. I am a high achiever and driven by success, but I experience a pretty low level of joy in my life, and most of my actions are not fueled by positive emotions, but rather by fear of failure and fear of how my success will make other people feel. I realize this doesn’t make sense as I write it out but the feelings of joy and happiness feel like foreign sensations to my body.

Unintentional model:
C: my life or career (or anything really!)
T: if I am successful, other people will suffer/be upset – I need to suffer for it to be fair
F: Resistant
A: overcomplicate my work, don’t enjoy my results, don’t enjoy the process of getting to my results, overwork, buffer with social media and starting new ventures
R: I suffer AND other people are upset

I think I also feel unworthy of being successful so I make it harder for myself, and I don’t let myself enjoy the results I have created – I’m always on to the next thing hoping it will make me feel happier.