Unequal balance

When you are in a close a relationship with someone else and need to have no expectations I’m struggling a little bit with how that works and it’s also why I struggled in my marriage. For example all of the kid/house/finances fell on me all the time. Even when I made requests it felt like a very unequal balance. How do you not make that mean something or affect your thoughts? If someone is doing or not doing something that affects your work load or responsibilities, or you need to pick up someone else’s slack because if you don’t it won’t get done, how do you maintain calm?

This is my biggest struggle. Because when you have a house or kids with someone there are certain expectations or relying on them that you have to do in order to maintain equilibrium. I listened to the podcast about loving someone for the sake of them and the question her client asked was “why bother having a husband”. I’m having a hard time with the premise you can just live with someone and love them for the sake of loving them when they aren’t pulling their weight. With kids their can be boundaries and consequences but how do you handle that In a marriage or intimate relationship? Thank you.