I really struggle at work. I have attempted to organize operations by talking to the office level management and was told by one person “I am not paid to do that”, and another manager “I am not going to baby sit people”.
When I took initiative in my hands, observed mishaps in the office operations and came up with lists every morning to go over the items to tackle for the day, my manager complained about me to the upper management and I had a talk with the boss who said “do not bring your lists. Meetings are just to cheer people and not discuss problems. Problems need to be addressed during monthly meetings.” I requested a manager to have monthly meetings and we only had 4 in 16 months. Besides day to day operations like low printer ink or broken equipment can not wait for a monthly meeting. More over staff complained about me that I am too stressed out and create a stressful environment. They brought examples of every word I said, the way I sign papers (“she is so overwhelmed we can sense it”), she offered me a piece of cake-she demonstrated to everyone that I am a fat guy at the office, she pressed Esc key 3 times on the computer (that was frozen and we were running behind in the schedule)- that was so stressful, she creates this overwhelming vibe etc etc I was told when my staff makes a mistake to not just fix it myself but make a joke about it to make that staff person feel better about their mistake.. all while I am working in the middle of the busy clinic running behind.
I reached out to the management asking for help with staff and was told that we see you are trying but you need to genuinely love them and treat them with respect and care.
The tough of loving people who make my life a living nightmare, make mistakes that put my reputation and my license in jeopardy every single day, who talk back to me, argue with me, disrespect me- the thought of genuinely loving them makes me want to vomit a little.
I feel hurt and backstabbed, rejected. I started that job with an open heart hoping to make it a great work place and got responses as I wrote above. How do I break my soul to genuinely love someone who I don’t like and feel very hurt by what they say about me to my boss behind my back.