Can’t find the emotion – Feels good but also bad

I have started a model on a thought I find myself saying a lot lately, but not taking really any action on. It’s a thought that sounds good and almost empowering but really isn’t.

The thought is “I need to focus now on aggressive growth so that I can weather the next storm” (the next storm being a lockdown etc.)
Here’s where I got up to with the model and had to walk away because I felt like I was mixing models and a bit confused.

C: Business growth
T: I need to focus now on aggressive growth so that I can weather the next storm
F: this is where I’m confused – on one hand it kind of motivates me to go hard and do the work. On the other I feel desperate because when I don’t get the results then I feel really let down and upset about it.
So I listed my actions not off a feeling, but off the thought if that makes sense.
A: Spend a lot of time analysing the next step. Planning things with spreadsheets/graphs etc. In those plans I’m not factoring in aggressive growth but slow steady growth. Talk about it (say the above sentence to people) but take no definitive action. (that’s all I got up to before I gave up and came here).

I also think the storms that have come up (lockdowns) have always put me off track to meet my goals and sent me into a dark place emotionally. So I suppose when I am thinking about what action to take or what goals I want to set, it’s like I get scared from making bigger goals because of what’s happened in the past.

Basically I kind of feel like when you buy a new diary or something with all the intent in the world of being the most organized person in the world, but you spend more time making it look pretty and filling out the information in it like birthdays etc. than you actually put into using the diary for its intended purpose. Does that make sense?

Thank you in advance. I will take this and your advice to my next 20 minute session