Clearer copy

I’m a weight loss coach and I help women with busy schedules lose 20-40 lbs in 16 weeks using my online program. I teach women how to follow a flexible diet and do just 30 minute workouts at home.

Okay, I read that and my T is: that sounds so stiff and boring and NOT what my prospect is thinking she needs or wants to know she needs

Okay so then what does she want?

She wants to lose 30 lbs
She wants her diet to be more fun so that losing weight is easier to stick to
She wants to exercise if it’s going to get her results

So does my copy become,
Do you want to lose 30lbs? I can help you reach your goal weight eating a fun diet and doing the right exercises so you finally get the results you want. DM me for more info on how to hire me as your very own trainer.