Deserving money (or not deserving it)

I had a breakthrough in my business planning and executing toward the end of winter & through the beginning of spring. I was succeeding at MH1, and showing up for myself with integrity in all areas –was doing my blog w/o fail, keeping on top of my accounting & class-attendance, rising above limiting thoughts around technology, etc.
And then the kids went on Spring Break, and I lost the whole plot. I let go of all the systems and boundaries I’d put in place, just for a few days, but I was utterly derailed and dejected.
Still, I tried coaching myself and sought self-compassion, and I started calmly gathering a bit of order again, and I had a new breakthrough –I started feeling genuinely grateful for stuff, GENUINELY. There was a shift. Money started flowing my way. And then I noticed it, and freaked out, and I can’t stop freaking out. I haven’t been able to put it back together. I’m afraid that calm and peace and gratitude will never come back, and I’ll thwart my own money-making efforts. I tried to put a model together, but I feel something isn’t quite right about it. I don’t feel empowered by it yet. I’m really sad.

C: I don’t believe myself when I list the things that I’m grateful for.
T: I probably don’t deserve to earn $100K
F: dejected
A: not prioritizing or planning well, not looking at my schedule for hours at a time, not waking up between 5 & 6 am on my off-days like I planned, not doing thought downloads, avoiding models, wickedly judging myself, withdrawing from friends, finding fault and problems with everything, eating off protocol (suddenly rationalizing bites of kids’ bagels and half & half in my coffee and 2 nights in a row I ate cake after dinner), dragging myself around, not following through on business ideas or the creation of business collateral even in the face of opportunity.
R: I create evidence for myself that I don’t deserve money?