Thank you for looking again!
After sitting with this and reading it again, I realize it is a pretty good description. One of the thoughts thats coming up is that its too spiritual/esoteric and people won’t understand. It’s too poetic and flowery, people won’t take me seriously. They’ll think I’m crazy, its not good enough. I feel like I have to pretend to be more cut and dry than I am – something other than what I am. In writing this I’m starting to see what old conditioning this is. My family constantly invalidated my real experience and desires growing up, and I think I learned to present one “acceptable” face out into the world and then have a secret other life. I often hedge myself around other people in order to be more acceptable. But now that I’m moving forward with my business in a way that asks me to be public, I’m feeling my worlds colliding!
The thoughts above are funny because this path I’m called to walk is deeply spiritual and poetic and magical, which is WHY I love it. I’m a person that think and lives from a very metaphysical place. I see everything as having a spirit, I talk to plants and learn so much from what they tell me about how to live on the earth well and heal people’s spirits. I understand it as the divine talking to me through the land. I’m constantly thinking about healthy ecologies, how our ancestors would have tended land, and how to bring people home to themselves. I’m judging myself really hard for this reality – telling myself that its nonsense and airy fairy/too woo. I’m afraid the world doesn’t accept or understand my experience of reality – which I can recognize is a thought that I’m turning into a result by not giving people a chance to understand. And I know intellectually I don’t need anyone else to validate my experience. I think maybe I don’t believe what I do is worthy or enough. I’m always trying to “understand” what it is I do and feeling confused about it. But maybe I’m just looking at it through an imagined others eyes that doesn’t understand. Does that make sense? Like I’m not even letting myself be present with what I actually do.
I hope this is okay that this is still in the business section, I feel like one little description opened up a can of worms that were ready to come out!