Glimpsing the whole forest, but trees still cluttering my view…


Below are 3 current models around the same C. The result I WANT is to move my business toward my $100K impossible goal, but all three of these models are keeping me stuck in different ways.

Plus, I find myself layering on judgments about the models themselves so that it’s getting murky and hard to untangle. I find myself thinking: “I’ll never get there if I can’t even make this one decision,” and then, “I can’t even make this 1 decision because my marriage is a sham,” and feeling worse and worse about every last thing, ending in overwhelm about just sitting down to disentangle the models from one another.

Help! Even though I am glimpsing the whole forest, the trees are still cluttering my view, and I can’t quite see a path through…(and maybe my models aren’t quite right?).

C: New fitness teaching technology platform costs $699/ month plus a monthly $149 add-on for synched audio-visual streaming functionality
T1: I will have to ask my husband to agree to either taking a business loan or spending money from our savings
F1: impotent
A1: frown, cry, fret, clench my jaw, think in circles about how I could generate the money from some other source without having to talk to him about it, self-judge for not having the gumption to just TAKE $12K from our bank account and tell him what I’m doing, blame him for my inability to ask permission, resent him for being so risk-averse and unsupportive, judge myself for not appreciating all his really good qualities, ruminate over what I think he will say and what I already make that mean
R1: I hand over my power to external people/forces –ha! I’m impotent. I make myself impotent anyway! (Does that mean I should buy the technology, since either way I feel powerless, but at least buying it gives me a chance of moving forward?)

C: New fitness teaching technology platform costs $699/ month plus a monthly $149 add-on for synched audio-visual streaming functionality
T2: If I waste all that money [by failing to generate ROI), I will hurt my family.
F2: scared
A2: Find a way to be equivocal instead of making a decision, don’t do the necessary research to find out if there is a cheaper way, my heart rate speeds up, I hold my shoulders up by my ears, grit my teeth, furrow my brow, judge myself as irresponsible and capricious, use my desire for a better tech platform as evidence that I’m capricious and irresponsible just like my mom who never succeeded in making money in her various businesses, buffer with busy work, start thinking of other stuff I’m scared of, like having cancer or something incapacitating, brush off my family members seeking my attention for various things…
R2: I hurt myself with mean words, I hurt my family relationships with judgmental behavior & thoughts, I isolate myself from the people who love me, I don’t resolve the circumstance, I stay right where I am financially & in all the ways.

C: New fitness teaching technology platform costs $699/ month plus a monthly $149 add-on for synched audio-visual streaming functionality
T3: If this new platform generates a bunch of clients, I’ll have to DELIVER!
F3: self-doubt
A3: I become totally indecisive, I want to run to my mom for soothing, I go to hot yoga where I know I’m good at something, get befuddled or defensive in interactions with husband, accuse him (in my head) of being a bad-listener, chest-breathe, adopt bad posture, frown, get weepy, hold my thumbs inside my fists, blow off my work, don’t think about my existing clients, minimize my existing successes, don’t make an informed decision about the new technology.
R3: I take no action. I damage my relationships. I cement a lack of confidence?

Thank you. You’re amazing. 😍