I have been in one field of work for 8 years. I view at as an easy way to make a lot of money and very familiar and comfortable. It takes 60 hours a week, but I am very used to it and that’s not an issue for me. I will work those hours, no problem. Do I complain? Yes, but am I willing to. I have been out of this job for a year and a half. I felt I had financial security in that line of work and I also felt accomplished. I am aware the job didn’t create those feelings, but my brain is often missing it and I am always thinking if I got that job everything would be okay.

The contrast is me working for myself and telling myself I need to create my business. I hate the self employment job I have and most of the time I don’t do it so I don’t make money. I am just feeling really victim mode and sorry for myself. All I want to do is run back to the old job.

When I got the offer to go back to my old job today, it was a no brainer. I was going to do it. A friend then called me and said I need to not give up on my business by stepping back into safety of my old job. He was an old coworker on the pipeline with me. He is now a business owner. He explained it feels like dying and its hard but I can’t give up. Pipeline is a lot of hours and requires a lot. He compared it as a trap to fall back into complacency.

I just realized how much I don’t want to do my business, but I wish I wanted to. I have so many excuses not to do it. The biggest one being that I need to make money in a way that I know I can …which is where pipeline comes into my mind and the self employment job (that I don’t like) that I already have.

My bank account keeps dropping and my debt keeps increasing, all due to buffers because of my fear of scarcity of money and feeling like I’m in a financial rut. My old job gave me financial security in my mind and to me its a big part of my identity. Im sad without it, but now that it’s back and I have the opportunity. It feels like its wrong to go back.

I don’t want to make this choice on my own. I asked which one felt worse and they both feel bad. I just feel there is no time to for me to waste and thats all I’m doing.