Letting go of my longest standing employee- who truly has done so much for us as a company, and that I care about

She has been with us for 5 years
She has a different mind- that gets frustrated with my mind
when asked about her job she gave very frustrating words like “nailing her down” (that’s me, her boss)
“putting the cart before the horse”
“squirrel manager”
“she sneaks around” (creating new processes without her approval)
She gets mad at me for new ideas
argues and disagrees with pretty much any idea I have for tracking
talks about. my personal stuff to other people
continually disrespecting me, and talking down to me to my other employees
saying things that annoy her to them, hoping they will also be annoyed with it? This is DEFINITELY a thought.
She grabbed my shoulders with our interviewee sitting next to me and yelled at me because I didn’t do exactly what she wanted me to do
She can’t handle not having 100% control
but I miss the friendship we had
I am afraid she is going to retaliate
she already told me how she is going to tweak the non-compete, which she helped create…..and tried to pretend she didn’t understand it.
I feel betrayed.
I feel hurt.
I feel relieved.
I am grieving.
I am feeling lost in the “rollercoaster” of it all.

Biggest Thought:
She is Manipulative

C I let go of W
T W is manipulative
F Betrayal
A worry, feel nauseous, don’t workout- which I love, feel hungry when I’m not, binge eat – feel fat, start to wonder if I made the wrong decision
R depression, anxiety, nausea

C Let go of W
T She knew what actions she took that led to this decision
F grounded
A continue to make good decisions, continue to grow, find peace, ease, flow, allow, don’t worry about things, don’t care to control things it’s not even on my radar when I am feeling grounded
R more groundedness, more caring, more growth, more love, solid ground, more action from positive feelings- more positive outcomes.

I am 100% bouncing back and forth between these two models.
I am trying to tell myself there is no problem with that.
Of course, I am mourning her, but then I am mad that I am mourning her because she was truly an abusive relationship — even others told me so.
Ugh. All the feels.

I am not sure where to take it from here.