Making My Offer Compelling

I’m creating a 6-figure coaching business through a 12-month private coaching package.
In my 20-min session yesterday, my coach invited me to explore tweaking the wording of my offer so that it’s compelling. She used Brooke’s Stop Overeating offer as an example, “If you work with me, you will not even want the foods that are sabotaging you. ”

My offer was: I help unhappy working professionals create career satisfaction by developing phenomenal personal wellness habits.
I understand that this can come off as vague.

I’ve been thinking about this and have come up with the following revision:
I help unhappy professionals create their dream careers without sacrificing their health and relationships.

My intention is to convert my fans into paying clients. To give them a compelling reason to reach out and book a consult following all the fabulous ways I’ve provided results ahead of time through articles, videos, and posts.

Please share your insights.

My second concern is once I’ve tweaked this verbiage, should I go back and edit previous posts and content to remove the vague wording and make the offer compelling? But who’s to say I won’t tweak this again in another month or so? I don’t want to keep going back each time to every article and edit. I would much rather trust that my people will feel that connection, will have the experience they need to have, and will reach out to me when they are ready. I would much rather trust in who I was, who I am, and who I’m becoming that I can leave busy work alone and move forward with the new information I’m constantly receiving.

Thanks for the feedback.