MHO, Hating Work, Wanting Better Thinking

I’m doing MHO and it brings up all sorts of uncomfortable feelings. It’s far easier to float through the day without any expectations. When I set expectations, I’m always disappointed. I see a trend of 1) scheduling too much and 2) being really mean to myself.

The sentence that comes up is: “I hate work”. When I model this T, I end up with multiple models, in this order:

C: Decisions that have to be made
T: I don’t know what the right decision is
F: helpless
A: ignore the problem, buffer, delay making a decision until the last possible moment, tell myself that I don’t have enough time, feel rushed
R: decisions and problems linger

C: Lingering decisions
T: I shouldn’t have to make these decisions
F: victim
A: blame myself for not running my company effectively, blame others for bringing this to me, blame people who have left the company over the years, get angry at my family during home time, rehearse why it’s other peoples’ fault, avoid working, try to escape
R: I escape and get nothing done

C: I’ve escaped but it hasn’t made me feel better
T: I hate work
F: want to escape even more
A: put huge pressure on myself to feel productive in my leisure time, feel disappointed with myself when I don’t get a hit of productivity satisfaction at the end of an evening or weekend, fantasize selling my company and getting out.
R: I’m stuck

I want to like my work. I have a great company with great people. I want to enjoy it. Can you help with what my next steps could be?