Models around hiring an assistant


The time has come for me to hire an assistant.  I’ve been doing a lot of thought work on this and have uncovered some deep-seated beliefs:

C- hiring an assistant (same circumstance throughout)
T – “I can’t rely on anyone”
F – Fear
A – procrastinate, don’t invest properly in looking for assistant, look for past evidence where I have been ‘let down’ by colleagues, don’t put myself out there, feel afraid every time I try to picture having/ finding an assistant
R – I can’t rely on myself / I am scared of relying on others

T – “I have to take care of everything myself”
F – Anxious
A – try to keep going without an assistant, over-work and make mistakes, turn to buffering then feel bad (i.e. over-eating, going online, arguing with partner), avoid work because it feels too hard and get more behind, judge myself for making mistakes and doing things that are not my strengths and getting them wrong (e.g. certain software I don’t know how to use)
R – I don’t take care of myself

T – “I’m being self-indulgent thinking I need an assistant”
F – Shame
A – try to soldier on alone, play down my need for an assistant, don’t put myself out there, judge myself for needing someone and judge myself for not putting myself out there to find someone, buffering and conflict with partner to distract from difficult feelings, judge myself for being ‘privileged’
R – I don’t allow myself to believe that I can have support, I don’t support myself

T – “I’ll never find the right person anyway”
F – Hopeless
A – half-heartedly try to find someone but don’t commit to really putting myself out there and looking in the right places, play all the scenarios over in my mind of how this person will let me down, try to keep working without the support of an assistant, half-look for assistant then when I don’t get the result berate myself for wasting time
R – I don’t find the right person and create distraction from working without an assistant. I am not the right person for myself. Fail ahead of time.

I have a few intentional thoughts that I believe will create the result I want (to find an assistant I can trust to do the job well for the price I pay them and within the agreed deadlines), but at the moment cannot seem to get beyond those thoughts above and find the new thoughts believable.  I think I’m getting a bit stuck because in some ways I’m still relying on the other person (that is the nature of this circumstance that I am looking for ‘someone else’). For example, the result is supposed to be about me isn’t it? Not involving another person – what thoughts could I have where this would be the case?

“The perfect person is out there for me and I will find them”
“I deserve support in my business”
“I trust myself to get all the support I need going forward”

I would love your perspective on this.  Thanks !