Why would I want to stay in confusion? Who wants to be confused? What is going on for me here?? Why can’t I just pick a niche and go for it. Okay going to do a thought download.
I started this business 18 months ago as a general life coach and expected clients to trickle in and for the business to slowly grow to 20 clients over a year or two. That hasn’t happened. I have two clients. It hasn’t been growing. I have been surviving off savings and some other income which has now dried up. I want this business to be a success – to help as many women as I can, to grow myself, be proud of myself and sustain myself financially.
I’m trying to figure out why that’s not been occurring… I feel that when Covid hit and we went into a nation-wide lock down (Australia) I got to finally slow down. I stepped out of my event management business and I focused on getting certified. I was a full-time student for the first time since I was a teenager (I quit high school early and did night school whilst working full time). It felt nice. I felt like I was healing my mind and my body from being in the go go go masculine and was learning to come into the flowing feminine. I didn’t have a strict schedule. I felt like I was finally living the life I always wanted. Slow, cruisy, doing something I loved.
I don’t think I’ve come out of that mode. Which would be fine if I had the money to back me to keep living like this. I want to find a way to keep the feel of this life and also build the business and the income.
There is a part of me that is scared of getting back to the crazy go go go life. So I’m not pushing myself. I’m playing small. I’m enjoying my two clients, my continuous study, but then I’m beating myself up for failing to grow my business. I indulge in confusion, buffer and don’t take massive action. I used to be such a go getter and when I hear coaches talk so passionately on their podcasts I wonder where that version of myself went. But I also don’t want to go back to being a ball buster, hustler.
I was brought up to be a hard worker, to not do anything by halves, to be a perfectionist. I feel I’m also rebelling against that. I feel there are two parts of me playing tug of rope. The hard worker, make anything happen, smash my goals, I want to be a success side and the chilled, non-scheduled, let’s cruise and not work ourselves back to chronic fatigue side that I’ve never had before.