Unhelpful thoughts about buying back shares in my business

Hi coaches,

I’m working on my UMs around a long-time employee-shareholder who quit my company last year. I thought we would be working together for life (maybe that he’d take over one day) although his departure was a relief in that he’d been performing so poorly for the prior year and we’d done a ton of work trying to support him back to his previous capable level but to no avail. I’ll call him JT in my models. I was glad to have him gone but I resent the money that I had to pay. And that’s because I think he didn’t deserve it and because he left his department in great disarray.

One model is:

C: JT left the company
T: he was really struggling, it’s about time
F: relief
A: hire next great person for the role, enjoy the new competencies and capabilities that new guy brings
R: well-managed company

The unintentional models that I keep also bringing up are:

C: I bought JT’s shares for 6 figures
T: He didn’t deserve the money
F: resentful
A: ruminate, complain to people close to me, feel like a victim, indulge in get-even fantasies
R: I’m miserable
C: JT left his department in disarray (employees faking their payroll hours, production not meeting demand, high error rate, dirty work areas)
T: I was left holding the bag and had to fix it all
F: victim
A: complain every time another one of his legacy problems shows up, rehearse how he’s a loser, add another bit of evidence to the pile.
R: I’m miserable

C: When he left, JT’s department was struggling
T: I bet he’d been planning this for months, let the department run down to maximize profit and get highest price for his shares, with no care about leaving the department in a disastrous state.
F: played
A: criticize myself for not knowing better than to trust him so completely, resent paying the money for his shares, complain to others about the deal and his actions.
R: I’m miserable

The last three models play in a loop in my mind, reinforcing each other.

I don’t want to argue with the past anymore. I want to find the neutral C’s. Do you think the C’s above are neutral or not yet? Any suggestions for what to do next? Thanks.