Anger, Resentment, and Taking Care of My Own Needs

I am realizing that I am angry and resentful in my job because I am not taking care of my needs. I agree to do things I don’t want to do. I don’t ask for the tools and support and what I need and want to be prepared to do my job. I blame other people for my disorganized thinking and overwhelm when it comes to organizing my work and getting shit done. I feel shame about my lack of productivity. I feel shame about feeling overwhelmed and anxious. I see how all of this leads me to produce work I am not proud of. I see how all of this is tangled up and is keeping me from moving onto a better paying job or even earning more money where I am at currently. I see how my own self-doubt causes me to hesitate and to doubt what my boss wants from me, what my role is, and how to show up. I see how I am looking externally for evidence that I’m good enough and okay and doing a good job. I see how my brain tries to protect me when a big new project is presented to me and I find all of the reasons how I might not be able to do it. I see how my brain thinks my work is a tiger and it is trying to keep me safe. I see how all of this is patterning that has nothing to do with my actual job because when I look at other jobs, I have the same thoughts: I can’t do that, I’m not good enough, I am lacking in some way. I am holding myself back. I think my productivity is where I am struggling the most. I definitely indulge in confusion and overwhelm and self-doubt and anxiety.

C: work exists.
T: I don’t know what to do
F: doubt
A: ruminate in doubt and confusion (this turns into anger and frustration and guilt and shame), buffer, procrastinate, make tentative plans that I throw away when my boss asks me to do something else
R: I don’t get anything done

C: work exists
T: I absolutely know what I need to do
F: clear
A: write them down, put it on my calendar, DO IT
R: I trust myself to know what I need to do at work