Beating myself up


I think I believe that my own actions cause my feelings of self-loathing. Also, have you found that shame drives more beating yourself up in the A line? Here are a couple of unintentional models that played out yesterday.

C: call with N about a job
T: I don’t know what to say
F: nervous
A: worry
R: I am not as prepared about what I want to say or how I want to show up to this call

C: I left a voice mail saying words
T: I shouldn’t have said that
F: self-loathing
A: mentally try to avoid thinking about it; hope he doesn’t call me back
R: I believe the words I said in the past make me hateable and cause my feelings of self-loathing

***

Intentional
C: call with N about a job
T: I have value to offer an employer, even while I’m nervous
F: curious
A: question my assumption that I have to be a certain way in order to be a valuable human being or provide business value
R: I start to separate my work value from my inherent value as a human

C: I left a voice mail saying words
T: I said those words in the voice mail AND I am worthy
F: curious
A: question my old model
R: I start to see how they are two separate things

Can you help me explore these a bit more? This is a strong pattern for me that I am starting to see more clearly.

UT: I have a strong pattern of beating myself up after I do anything
IT: I am learning to love myself through all of it