Checking in after 18 months as a scholar

I’ve been a scholar for 18 months. I’ve never had coaching from Brooke. I’ve watched almost every call in 18 months. I’m having thoughts that I’ not as brave as others. Or that I’m not showing up for myself because I haven’t requested to be coached live. I’m having thoughts “if I were serious about this work and making most of our investment I’d try harder”. I also find myself telling myself I should “trying harder” with my drinking. Drinking has been my buffer for YEARS and I’m clear there is a dopamine response going on. I do well with DPs and feel so good when I choose not to drink, I love the experience of feeling my feelings…and then I’ll go back to drinking – it’s never to point of really hurting myself ie drunk or sick… but a couple of glasses to allow me to separate from situation a bit. I’m working on it and committed to more and more drink free days… cause I like my reason. It’s just so familiar to me to reach for a glass… I imagine like it is for others to reach for a cookie. Just feeling the feelings without any buffer seems intense. Here I also have the thought, “I should try harder”. There is some connection I think in how I’m thinking about not asking to be coached and not committing 100% to a DP. Can you offer any insight you might see that would help support me? Thank you!