Confused, stuck and drained

Hi Brooke,
I have been in scholars since the beginning of 2017 but I’ve never asked to be coached or used Ask Brooke. I think it’s because I can’t even pick one thing that I need help with because I feel ( think ) everything is out of control in my life and that thought produces hopelessness in me.
My main problem, if I have to choose, is the relationship with my husband and my ambivalence around it. I have a story about how he was done and does all these “terrible things” to me ( I know that Im labeling them terrible and that makes the things not facts but they kind of are terrible…) and I feel bad with myself for not leaving him. I feel trapped and I indulge in confusion and indecision. This drains my life. I buffer with being super productive by taking stimulants and crossing things out of my seemingly endless list. Sometimes I feel Im a human to do list.
I’ve heard you talk many times about how you first have to be happy in your apparent problematic situation/circumstance ( relationship, job) and then once you are happy decide if you WANT to leave. But I don’t know how to apply this. I seem to not be able to come out of my endless cycle of negativity, indecision and feeling stuck. I know that I have a manual for how he should behave and I try different methods like being nice, doing things for him, ignoring him, being aggressive, everything… but I don’t know how to stop the cycle. I think is I leave him I will have space for the rest of my life and be free at last but I feel like I cant and Im trapped and feel shitty about myself for not doing what I think is best for me.
My models run something like this. I normally simplify them but its just so you get a better idea
C- I have a relationship
T- I need to leave him asap or Im going to regret it when Im old and ugly and wont be able to do anything about it
I’m in a toxic relationship.
There must be something wrong about me that makes me stay
There is no solution
No matter what I do he still behaves like an asshole
F- Hopelessness, Frustration, Helplessness, Lost, Confused, Hating myself
A- Buffer with activity and too many stimulants
Act aggressive, express negative things about my life situation in front of him or do everything he wants to get him to act nicely
R- No change, same negative patters, same hamster wheel. Life passes
Im doing the SCS work this year in an active way ( 2017 was total passive action) but I still feel pretty stuck and I don’t know what to do to change my patterns or be happy with my relationship. There is a week I decide to divorce him and I do everything to follow through and then I change my mind because he is nice or Im thinking positive or whatever and I have hope and then I decide to stay and he does something and its all over again…the cycle of indecision, I dont know etc etc..
I also indulge in overwhelm with all my life projects and things I have to do and I feel frustrated and out of control. A very constant thought is “my life is chaos”. I have the fantasy of escaping to a deserted island where I can be alone and not have to deal with anything…
Thanks so much for all the work you put into this program