disengaged daughter


Hi Brooke,
Thanks for having this Diamond Ask Brooke! So cool!

Here’s my work:
C- oldest daughter is not comfortable spending one-on-one time with me; wants her husband present for emotional protection (her exact words)
T- ouch. we have been so close while she was growing up right up into her late twenties. I was her support during difficult pregnancies. Her two stillbirths have wounded her so deeply. I would like to be there for her, comfort her, spend time with her.
F- pain
A-pull back from her because she is hurting me with her aloofness and rejection
R-we are farther apart

Intentional model
C- oldest daughter is not comfortable spending one-on-one time with me; wants her husband present for emotional protection (her exact words)
T- She has her reasons, she in an adult and is on her own healing journey and is not able or willing to have me be a part of it just yet.
F- more accepting
A-reach out in small ways (text, short phone call) and love her all I can from my end
R-I feel love even if she does not accept it

Okay, I know what I want to think and much of the time I can manage it but I don’t like it and would still like to change her FOR HER SAKE. I love her, so it isn’t to make me feel better. It is because I think it is a hard thing for her to bear tragedy without the comfort of a willing, loving mother, which I have always been and am still. Her aloofness from me alienates herself from her two sisters who I am very close with. It would probably actually be easier for me to just ignore her and leave her alone (which I have been doing unfortunately as I vascilate between my unintentional and intentional models)…less drama in my life, less effort I have to put out, less pain in interacting with her and being rejected anew. So it is not to make me feel better that I wish for her to change. My motive is because I love her and want her to be happy and at peace..does that even matter what my motive is?

So, my question is this: is there a way to make this feel better to me? I know I cannot and should not want to change another adult, even an adult that is suffering when she could have comfort. I know that rationally. But my mother heart does not buy that. It urges me to run to her and lavish sympathy and love on her…which has not worked for the past 3 years.

Simplified question: if I know what to think, but don’t like it, is bridge thinking the method you recommend. Can’t seem to make that work. I get lost in the slow transition and jump between extremes.

Been stuck on this one all year long. I am managing my emotions much better on this topic, and feel less pain, but I think it is because I ignore her..?