I fee like I’m having an internal debate with myself over what “progress” should look like as a DIAAAAHMOND scholar (that’s me trying to insert some drama into my typing). I’m reacting to my experience now where it feels like I’m doing the model, daily downloads at a new level, it feels really new –and my brain goes between “this feels like I’m doing it for the first time, I’m gathering a new harvest of experience and depth in this second season of SCS” vs “This doesn’t make sense, to feel like I’m learning it newly, when I’ve been doing it over a year –what’s going wrong with how I’ve done SCS that it’s taken me this long, I didn’t get it correctly, etc…?” Where I am in Seattle, this time of year is autumn, which for me has always felt like a rich, nourishing time to harvest, reap what has been fallow, and connect to gathering what has grown over the year. And in doing that, I’m feeling like this month is a new kind of work because for whatever reason, I feel as if I’m learning to do the model either “all over again” or am getting it on a new, deeper level. It feels like the workbook -my second November time around –and the daily download are clicking more deeply. And its super exciting and invigorating. And then I’m judging myself for 1)Not having “gotten it” earlier, 2) Is there something inadequate about how I’m doing it so far, since I’m “only” here? (which is where, exactly, I don’t know) and overall feeling fussy at myself instead of staying connecting where I am feeling when I wake up, do the daily work, and/or connect to my deeper soul part which says “this is so great, look at the work you’re doing and what’s possible.” That early morning zest gets shot down by the downer thoughts later. After that great early morning zone and work today I was in my SCS zone and just got some serious shit and some serious fun done throughout the day, talk about using each minute effectively. And yet my brain chatter nibbles at that core confidence with “why didn’t you get this the first time around? ” I see that brain chatter as negative and something I want to go away and leave me in my happy place. Here are the models I’ve written tonight, in order of steps, starting with feeling and/or thought.
Interestingly, my more serving thought comes first –the cave brain thoughts come afterwards…what gives??!
C (1); SCS daily work
T (2): So exciting to be at this new stage of growth and harvest
F(3): Determined and Proud
A (4) : Do my fun and work one step at a time
R (5): Get it done with fun
C: SCS daily work
T (1): It’s taken you THIS long to get it?
F (2): Dispirited
A (3) : Mope and muse
R (4) : Don’t get my stuff done.