Follow up – lp

I forget what I wrote a few days ago but I just had some clarity watching the How to Feel Bettrqer videos on people pleasing and the woman who watches her grandkids. I keep thinking that I need to get to the place where I like my job but what if i really just don’t want to do this job? Yesterday my boss asked me to do something (sort of … passively) and in my head I heard a loud “I do not want to do this at all” – it’s outside my skill set and I don’t have confidence that I could figure it out and believe it was done well and then i heard myself agree to doing it. I am seeing how much I want his approval and it’s at my own expense because I keep agreeing to do things I don’t want to do and I’ve lost my confidence in myself to have my own back. I can see how this is related to my own really shitty opinion of myself. The more I lie to try to get the approval of others, the angrier I get and the more I dislike myself. I know I’m not living in integrity. I know it feels really bad. I know my boss thinks I’m doing a fine job but I can’t feel that and I don’t think I am. All I feel is hate and anger and resentment and I am just seething. I can see how I stay quiet to try to control others opinions of me. I can see how I believed my mom when she told me as a kid to be quiet and that I was bossy. I can see how we don’t always have to make ourselves want to do something. It’s okay to not want to do something. I can see how different my life would be if I stopped doing that. It would be completely different. I can feel the difference when I think about telling the truth – it feels like a weight has been lifted. It feels free. When I consider lying, there’s such a huge burden and i can feel a tightness and heaviness in my chest. It’s like prison. I have thrown myself in prison lol. I am a little bit onto myself though because part of it is that I don’t believe in my ability to do the task well. I want someone else to do it. Lots to clean up. Thank you.