As 2018 comes to a close, I’m feeling flooded with thoughts about not reaching my 2018 impossible goal that lead me to feel despondent and self-berating over my 2018 Impossible Goal non-worthy failure! On one hand I see that I’ve never worthy-failed as much as I did this year –and then on the other, I look at the fact that there were many passive fails of not even trying….with the result that I’ll not have the Dec 21 results I wrote last year, and it’s down the dark rabbit hole I go. I’m making the insight of “now I know why I have the life I have and can choose new thoughts and actions and results” to mean “it’s all my fault because I’m inadequate in (insert situation) and it’s too late and just don’t even bother..I suck and my contributions are invisible” . My stomach feels in knots because when I listen to the December overview and homework, I just go right to a place of “I am just in the same space as I was a year ago…nothing’s changed…blah blah” despite evidence that I have created way more for myself this year, am learning that I CAN do the things that I felt were factual no-can-dos, etc.. I’m stuck –or sticking myself in –the space of “I see it because I believe it…” and “it”, apparently means “didn’t do it, not as good, didn’t accomplish the goal…’ and points to all the choices of not-trying. Here’s the kicker: the main thing I’m learning, when I ask myself “why didn’t you achieve it?” is, gulp: because I was afraid of failure, rejection, it was hard to feel like I was constantly putting myself out there, …maybe I just didn’t want to do it. Ha, not maybe –I didn’t want to do it enough. So now I’m doubting if I really wanted that goal anyway –because, wouldn’t I have done it then? that my desire “should” have been bigger than my fear of failure, rejection, etc? It doesn’t feel like confusion, it feels more like “so that was 2018, do I just give up on that goal [I felt like I would still benefit from keeping it for 2019, I’m learning so much about what I can do, can take, and what I’ve got] and yet then I think “well that’s a cop out –why would you keep the SAME goal for 2019″? particularly if you didn’t do it last year? ” It’s like I’m assigning an expiration date to the goal –which is a core thought I super struggle with: “It’s too late for me [to become a mother][buy a house][get a corporate job][get married] etc”. I can list the many ways in which I’ve learned, worthy-failed etc. And yet my cute cave brain insists to just throw in the towel, and points to my 2018 impossible goal “failure” as the GOLD STAR evidence that it’s better in the cave. And yet when I look at 2019, I’m like “hey, that goal is still alive for me, it’s within my reach, go get it! ” – Guidance welcomed! Models below:
Intentional one (this usually comes first in the morning)
C: 2018 goal
T: I did other non-goal things I thought were impossible. Wonder Woman. That is all.
F: Proud and giggly with possibility.
A: Keep at my goal and make decisions
R: Get closer to getting my goal.
Unintentional: (when I’m tired or lonely or afraid)
C: 2018 goal
T: see, it is too late for you.
F: despondent and lonely
A: Low energy vibration: buffer
R: Stay in same place, no movement to goal.