I think why I hate myself as it relates to that C is because I think I’m in a cycle of self-sabotage. Oh wait, I am in one because of the thought I hate myself. Maybe.
Well, I think I should have left the house earlier. I should have reviewed directions to the place before I left. I always do this. I made us all late. I think my boss was thinking similar thoughts about me. Ohh he may have been but I am thinking he’s thinking that because of my own thoughts about me. Ohhh. I think I am trying to use punitive measures to correct the self-sabotage and it doesn’t work, it perpetuates it actually. Or I at least keep creating the experience that I am stuck in a cycle of self-sabotage because I judge myself so much. And I judge myself through the eyes of other people too. I imagine they’re judging me but really it’s always me judging me. I think it is perfectionism and a manual of high expectations I have for myself about what’s acceptable. Funnily, it sounds a lot like what my parents have said to me. Which makes sense. And they were doing their best the same way I’ve been doing my best.
I think if I want to arrive earlier to places then I can just use this experience as information. And arriving when I did doesn’t mean anything about me. It means I had a thought that led to arriving when I did. I left later than I wanted because I was thinking about a business idea I have and got excited by it and I wasn’t watching the time. Also I think “I hate myself” is a habitual thought I’ve practiced and now I’m working on deprogramming it or just observing it when it comes up again. I see that it’s a sentence and it’s actually kind of an interesting thought because who is it that I think I hate? If I were to point to it, it’d be my head – thoughts. Whew. This is just what my brain has practiced. It’s really efficient at this pattern. My job now is to continue to allow and redirect.